Four Pearls of Wisdom to Benefit Your Marriage

by Annie Yorty ©2022

I’m excited to introduce you to my friend and guest blogger, Shirley Quiring Mozena. Today Shirley shares four pearls of wisdom to benefit your marriage. At the end of her article, please check out her complete bio and website. Shirley wrote three books based on difficult twists and turns in her life which led to unexpected joy. I know you’ll be blessed.

Four Pearls of Wisdom to Benefit Your Marriage

by Shirley Quiring Mozena

My granddaughter, Sarah, and husband, Russell, were married in June. At her bridal shower, I was asked to give Pearls of Wisdom to benefit their marriage. I shared four concepts I wished I’d known before marriage.

Pearl of Wisdom #1: Grief

I was surprised after all the preparation for my wedding at nineteen years of age, that I’d be sad. Yes, the first pearl of wisdom to benefit your marriage is to understand unexpected grief. I’d just walked down the aisle with a dreamboat of a man who was now my husband. I’d counted the days until we said “I do.” I felt a let-down after all the preparation of the wedding. The dress. The going away dress. The bridesmaids. Their dresses. Wedding cake. Guests. The groom’s cake. Flowers. So many items to prepare and plan. And then, just like that, it was over. The sadness dispersed quickly, but throughout my honeymoon, there were flashes of wistful longings, which I didn’t fully understand.

Years later, I learned that sadness and grief after a long-anticipated event, is a normal occurrence. In marriage, it’s saying goodbye to a former way of life to enter a new life. In my first marriage, especially, I experienced grief. Quite honestly, in my following two marriages, the grief was different, but I still said goodbye to my former life and experienced some sadness.

For those of you who don’t know my story, I was widowed twice. The first time, I was married for forty years. Bill passed away from complications of a chronic disease. I married a second time to Blair a few years later.  We were married only seventeen months when he died suddenly of a brain aneurysm. Four years later, I met and married Jim, my current husband. God has blessed us with nearly nine years of marriage and we’re going strong!

Below, left to right: My first marriage, second marriage, and current wedding photos:

 

 

 

 

Pearl of Wisdom #2: Communication

I’ve been widowed twice and married three times, but most of the wisdom to benefit marriage that I learned came during my first marriage to my husband, Bill, the father of my children and grandfather to my grands.

It took twenty-two years for us to learn to communicate well. We took a communication class after twenty-some years of arguing, fighting, and near-divorce. We’d seen several marriage counselors and they recommended one last thing that might help. A communication class. Communicate to save a marriage?  Sounds too simple, doesn’t it? But it was one of the pearls of wisdom to benefit our marriage.

We learned to listen.

First, let the other person say what the problem was. Then the listener repeats what they heard. If it wasn’t correct, the speaker would repeat—in a calm voice—what they wanted to say. And the listener again repeated what they heard. We were instructed to keep repeating the process until there was understanding. It sounds so simple and yet it is profound. It saved our marriage. I learned to trust Bill with my true feelings—and that was hard, because I didn’t want him to get mad at me or think my feelings were wrong.

Honestly express those true feelings. We often expect the other person to read our minds. I remember one counselor who said even in his own marriage—and they were both marriage counselors—that eighty percent of the time when they tried to read their partner’s mind, they read it incorrectly! We can’t expect our partner to communicate through mind reading. Listening and repeating what we heard the other say and being honest about our feelings made a huge difference in our marriage.

After years of struggling and arguing, we finally learned to enjoy each other’s company. Truly. Not just mustering up our feelings because we didn’t want to divorce.

Listening and repeating what we heard the other say and being honest about our feelings made a huge difference in our marriage. Click To Tweet

Pearl of Wisdom #3: Respect

Ephesians talks about family relationships—husbands, wives, parents, children. Often in counseling—especially Christian counseling—wives are reminded to submit to their husbands (Ephesians 5:21-22). Husbands are reminded to love their wives. But often one of the most important things a wife can do is respect her husband. It’s an unconditional command.

Once I heard a marriage counselor give the example of an officer and a recruit in the military. The officer doesn’t care if enlisted men or women love them; they just want their respect. Husbands have that same desire for respect from their wives. Sometimes they don’t even know that’s what it is they want, but they do. Don’t treat your husband like a child. Don’t divulge the deep secrets he shared with you to your girlfriends. Keep it confidential. Don’t demean him in public. Give him respect.

So again I say, each man must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband (Ephesians 5:33 NLT).

I learned this pearl of wisdom in my first marriage. Sometimes I’d say or do something disrespectful, and my husband would say, “I don’t feel respected.”  I had to think about it, and admit he was right.

Of course, the husband must do his part—that’s to love his wife as Christ loved the church. That means he gives up his life for her. If he loves her, she respects him. Then their marriage will be harmonious. I found respecting my husband was a very important thing I could do. Even now, after fifty total years of marriage, 40 years with my first, just under 2 years with my second, and now eight with Jim, I have to be careful to be respectful.

Statistically, couples have a ninety-nine percent better chance of staying married if they pray together daily. Click To Tweet

Pearl of Wisdom #4: Pray

Pray together. Not just at meals and in emergencies. Not just in church or prayer circles, but every day. Set aside a certain time in your day. It can be in the morning or before bedtime. Pray out loud. Write down your requests. Hold hands while you pray.  We heard Focus on the Family (Groeschel, Craig & Amy. From This Day Forward, Zondervan, 2014) report that statistically, couples have a ninety-nine percent better chance of staying married if they pray together daily. Ninety-nine percent.

Here are a few tips from my book about prayer:

From Second Chance at Love:

If at first you are not comfortable praying aloud in front of someone, we recommend you sit together, hold hands, bow your heads and close your eyes and pray silently for a minute or two. When you feel comfortable doing that, start saying one sentence out loud, if only nothing more than, “Thank-you for this day, dear Lord.” The more you do it, the easier it becomes.

Some people are afraid to pray together because they think they’re not spiritual enough. Simple prayers are fine. Certainly with God. We know praying together creates intimacy—spiritual intimacy. It naturally overflows to other aspects of your married life. Emotionally and physically.

Most likely you will begin to pray about other things. It is a wonderful, mystical moment in joining together with the Creator of the world and asking for his blessing on your day. On your family. On your marriage. On your world.

If you are getting married soon, the fourth pearl of wisdom to benefit your marriage, praying together, is the most important by far. From an eternal perspective, it’s certainly the most critical.

Even if you’re not a new bride any longer, it’s never too late to incorporate these tips in your marriage. And if you’re the groom, or husband, you can incorporate these pearls of wisdom to benefit your marriage too.

Marriage Reflects God to the World

Marriage is a beautiful thing. I’ve been blessed in my life with three husbands who loved me. I know each of them would give their life for me. Marriage is a picture of life itself. Our marriage interacts with people to display God to our families, our church family, and our neighbors. I like this passage in the New Testament:

Give honor to marriage, and remain faithful to one another in marriage (Hebrews 13:4a NLT).

Join the conversation:

What are some pearls of wisdom you might share with your children or grandchildren?   Write them down. Share the ideas with them. They will thank you.

I welcome your comments!

Shirley Quiring Mozena is a retreat speaker and national speaker for Stonecroft Ministries. She has three hundred plus followers who read her weekly blog on encouragement and hope. Shirley has a presence on FaceBook, LinkedIn, and Pinterest. Her website includes her blogs and speaking schedule. She has published articles in her local newspaper, Christian publications, and in “Angels on Earth” in the May/June 2022 issue. She was awarded winner from Oregon Christian Writers (OCW) Cascade Awards for an unpublished article entitled, “Two Amazing Prayers.”

Shirley has authored three books: Second Chances At Life and Love, With Hope (Redemption Press, 2012), Beyond Second Chances: Heartbreak to Joy (Redemption Press, 2015), both finalists in the OCW Cascade Awards. With her husband Jim, she has co-authored a book Second Chance at Love: Navigating the Path to Remarriage (Redemption Press, 2020), which was a finalist in the 2021 Selah Awards.

She has a heart for those grieving the loss of loved ones in death. Shirley and her husband, Jim, facilitate GriefShare in their church.

She is the proud owner of an energetic King Charles Spaniel/Yorky named Rudy, who absolutely loves daily walks in the neighborhood.

ShirleyMozena.com